{"id":3658,"date":"2022-01-08T11:36:48","date_gmt":"2022-01-08T11:36:48","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/phoenix.ampsmagazine.com\/?p=3658"},"modified":"2022-01-10T17:08:01","modified_gmt":"2022-01-10T17:08:01","slug":"the-trauma-of-divorce","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/phoenix.ampsmagazine.com\/?p=3658","title":{"rendered":"The Trauma of Divorce"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

By Chrystal Allen-O\u2019Jon<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

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I, like so many others, have experienced the heartache of seeing our parents go through divorce. Some parents were able to handle the process amicably, others in rage, violence, or physical and verbal verbal assaults. Let\u2019s examine those two words: Trauma and Divorce.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trauma and Divorce<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Divorce (also known as dissolution of marriage) is the optional process of terminating a marriage or marital union. Put those two together (Trauma Divorce) and you have  an emotional response to the process of terminating a union. https:\/\/www.apa.org\/topics\/trauma<\/a> –  Divorce – Wikipedia<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Emotions <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There can be several types of emotions  brought to the surface during divorce. The most common are feelings of loss, anger, confusion, anxiety, and so many others. Divorce  and  family separation can leave children feeling overwhelmed and emotionally sensitive. Now imagine if you were that child suffering trauma from divorce, only later to experience divorce and trauma yourself. This is trauma on top of trauma being passed on to your own children, creating residual trauma.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Why Divorce?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

First, why do couples choose to divorce in the first place? This can be for many reasons. \u201cResearch has found the most common reasons are lack of commitment,  arguing, infidelity, marrying young\/immature, unrealistic expectations, lack of equality in the relationship, lack of preparation for marriage, and abuse\u201d. (yourdivorcequestions.org\/how-common-is-divorce<\/strong>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For many, marriage is thought to be a \u201dway out\u201d from a dysfunctional home. The trouble with that thinking, is one leaves with residual dysfunction and takes that residual luggage into the marriage. If both parties in the marriage have residual dysfunction, it’s a recipe for disaster. Now, imagine children are brought into the picture. They now become victims of residual dysfunction and could possibly develop dysfunction, then be drawn into relationships with other dysfunctional people.  This vicious cycle will go on, until awareness of the behavior<\/em><\/strong> is developed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Self-Aware<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to the website Self Aware,  one can \u201cStart to question and challenge false beliefs”. False beliefs about self and others can develop watching the dysfunction of our parents, grandparents and those rearing us. As much as we\u2019d like to blame them, however we must remember, perhaps they weren\u2019t (aren\u2019t) self aware either. What is Self Awareness? 5 Tips to Become More Self Aware (choosingtherapy.com)<\/a>. This same site goes on to give \u201cWays to Become More Self-Aware\u201d .  They suggest these as options: 1. Nature Walks; 2. Mindfulness; 3. Meditation;  4. Yoga and 5. Journaling.  Without self-awareness, one continues a cycle of toxic and sometimes dangerous relationships. Being more self-aware should aid us in our own self-view.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

“No One Understands You And What To Do About It<\/em><\/strong>“, authored by Heidi Halvorson, explains that  few people see us the way we see ourselves. In fact, there is a clear gap between our self-views and other people\u2019s views on us, and the bigger this gap, the more dysfunctional our relationships with others will tend to be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Who Are We?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Aristotle believed, \u201cWe are what we repeatedly do\u201d.  So then, to lead a family, a business, or a team, if we lack self-awareness, how can we effectively teach, build or coach  others to success?  Low self-awareness has not only been linked to poor leadership performance, but also to poor mental well-being and self-destructive behaviors, such as addictions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Divorce, or Stay for for the Kids – The Con\u2019s<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

There are obvious benefits for why some parents should stay together. Since we are discussing residual dysfunction as it relates to the trauma of divorce we will discuss the cons in this piece. When parents themselves have residual dysfunction they become poor relationship models for their children. They may begin to believe \u201cunhappiness or toxic behavior in a marriage or unmarried committed relationship is normal.\u201d  This places them in an unsuitable family role – \u201cgives kids a false sense of relationships\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mental Health Results & The Impact on Kids<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Does divorce affect children’s mental health? Yes.  According to some studies, \u201cchildren who experience parental separation aged between 7 and 14 are 16% more likely to experience behavioural issues and emotional problems such as anxiety and depression, than those whose parents stay together\u201d.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since children watch us and \u201cdo what we do\u201d as opposed to \u201cdo what we say\u201d,  they soak up all the dysfunction they see. Here are some of the negative results: (How Toxic Marriages Negatively Impact Kids (culturebully.com<\/a>).<\/p>\n\n\n\n